Life can be so exhausting at times
I’m going to try to make this my last depressing shit on tumblr.
First off, may i say this post will be filled with first world problems… you have been warned.
I feel weak beyond comprehension. I fail at being optimistic since 2011 (between that and 2002 was the worst year of my life). I lost the main person that I can relate and speak to in that year, and it seems as though no one can replace his spot. It’s not that i want someone to replace his spot so much, I just wish that i could talk to someone like him.
Let me also state that I don’t need no fucking psychiatrist (been there, done that, never gonna go back).
I have absolutely NO faith (in the conventional way people think of faith, in a religious sense).
I tried prayer. The problem with prayer is that it only works with faith (no mustard seed here).
I tried close friends, but even the closest of friends tend to shun me away when i try to verbalize how I feel on things.
I tried meditation, but that soon turns to stress.
I’m a poet, so I write a lot. But at times when I write it just becomes an emotional mess, but i continue to write. I write until I can’t write no more, read to myself what i wrote, and tear uncontrollably. After reading most of the things i write, I realize I can’t share them with anyone, and sometimes delete them because it feels like I am carrying a bomb with those poems in my phone.
Sometimes I feel like love is the cause of all pain. Could you imagine ever feeling pain if you never love something/someone. And I have a thing of loving people/things as much as i love myself. I think a huge problem with that, is that I don’t love myself that much (might be weird, but I never did and probably don’t know how to). I hear people saying that “you can’t ever love someone if you don’t love yourself.” I feel like those people have the uncanny ability to have faith. If you feel that way you either was depressed and found something to believe or you never were depressed.
I feel so pathetic that it amazes myself that i could feel that way.
I feel like I have no control over things, and the more I try to obtain control the more apparent it is that i have no control.
I regret loving anything/anyone. Every single thing/person that i have loved has let me down in a way that sometimes I wonder why I even try to remember shit when it was good. Every time i remember one good thing, there are five bad things to surround it. And the ONE person i felt I could depend on left me in 2011. If no one cared, he did. Even though he was biologically my uncle, I never met anyone closer to a father to me as he was. And I know this may sound weird, but if was pretty fucking selfish how he left like that. I probably shouldn’t call it selfish because life/death wasn’t in his control, but i feel fucking abandoned. Death couldn’t have come in a worst time. And now I’m here, alone.
If you don’t want to be depressed, don’t love anyone, ever.
I don’t like the fact that people do things to hurt others that they don’t like being done to them. I hate when people uses justifications for actions which are obviously hurtful to others. I hate that other people have control in my life (and they know they do whether they chose to see it or not), but I can’t make a dint in theirs… and if i do make a dint in theirs it will come with heavy repercussions to myself.
If you don’t want to be depressed, don’t fall in love, ever.
At the end of this all, maybe I’m just too boring and simple compared to my companions. I literally want to be boring with someone who wants to be boring WITH ME. I won’t throw any specifics out there, but there are sooooooo many things that make me feel as though I can’t have a positive relationship with anyone.
I guess relationships aren’t for everyone
I just wish that I can be strong with another individual. Who loves me as I love them. Who wants to do for me as I do for them. Who understand me as I understand them. Who wants to be with me, as I want to be with them.
Maybe, I’m Just too simple.
I just want to feel, as I hoped I would feel in this stage of my life.
But… thus is life.